Stress and the Black College-Aged Woman

As most of you know I wrote a close to 50 page paper on stress management for African American college-aged women attending a Predominantly White Institution. In this paper I took the stressors of what I thought every black woman college student have and developed an intervention program to teach black women to combat stress by using coping techniques. I used insomnia, lack of self-care, emotional eating and interpersonal relationships as factors to guide my program and created corresponding components to help us deal with these issues.
What I found through research is that not only racism and sexism were stressors for black female college students but also this superwoman schema that majority of us hold as a social identity is hindering us from coping with stress properly. As black women we take care of others before we take care of ourselves and our drive to work hard is taking a major toll on our health. We also are held to high standard regarding education since we are the group with the highest college graduation rates. Through this we are becoming the most stressed out group in the United States. We are in ALL categories of the most stressed out groups (minorities, women, and college-aged students).
The irony of this is that while writing this paper I was stressing out. How can I help my sistas when I can't help myself? Good thing that I learned good coping techniques and can share them with you all.

1. Instead of indulging yourself in candy or chips because you feel down, eat fruit or make a smoothie. Fruit will give you the right amount of sugar and nutrients. Also substitute chips with a small bag popcorn!
2. Time management is the key to everything. Buy a planner and write down your long and short term goals. This is the first step to getting organized.
3. Get a journal! Use it to write down all of your thoughts and feelings.. The best way to vent.
4. Try to get 6-8 hours of sleep a night, if you plan everything accordingly getting an adequate amount of sleep will be possible.
5. Stay away from harmful relationships and friendships. It ain't nothing to cut them off! Snip snip!! Relationships play a huge factor in stress and arguing with ole boy/girl will just add more stress to your life.
6. Find a new hobby, something that will get your mind off everything that's stressful. I want to start sewing
7. Exercise!! Aerobic exercise will help you with your breathing. Try Zumba, yoga and deep breathing.
8. If you are spiritual... Pray. I use the serenity prayer through hard times and read the bible for comfort.
Proverbs 3:5
Philippians 4:6

Why I am Tired of the "We don't care about black men dating white women, just don't slander us while you are doing it" Narrative

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS MY OPINION ON THE TOPIC AND AS MUCH AS I WANT TO SPEAK FOR ALL BLACK WOMEN I CANT...

I can say that interracial dating has been a topic of discussion for years and the core argument of this discussion is that black women are angry at the fact that white women are taking all of our men. NO, that is not the case. Guess what? We actually do not care. What we do care about is our brothers putting us down because of their preferences of foreign and white women. Why continue to feed into stereotypes and bash us in the process of dating those of other races? These points are becoming repetitive and I believe that our brothers for fact know that we have no problem with them dating outside of our race... no problem. After we keep singing these same old songs, some men continue to push this angry black woman stereotype through a number of things... "Retweet to make a black girl mad", while posting a picture of a white girl with a big butt, "Leave Laquisha and get you a Sara Beth" memes, or even putting up pictures of mixed babies stating that they are superior and more beautiful than our own babies of color. Why continue to push this angry black woman narrative when in actuality you know the truth. When you know that all we care about is the spew of hatred coming from your mouths alluding to the fact that you don't want us because of our weaves, bonnets, "aggressiveness" and bad attitudes. YOU are demeaning black women and praising white women through misogyny. When will y'all understand that all we ever ask for as black women is support and not hate? I don't care who you date, as long as it is coming from a genuine place and you continue to give people in this world love.

And to those who continue to feed into the negativity of bashing black women... go find some lotion and watch your favorite movie "Driving Miss. Daisy"


It's really a tired convo....

Let’s Talk About SEX: This is for College Students

When we enter college as freshmen we gain freedom. Freedom from our parents, social freedom, intellectual freedom and sexual freedom. Majority of us come into college with the only knowledge of sex taught to us by our ninth grade physical education teachers. Unless you had the most sexually educated parents in the world, this topic may be uncomfortable or even unfamiliar to you. I am going to write about four important things that I think every college student should know regarding sex.

1. CONSENT

This is probably the most controversial topic in the history of sex. Every, I mean EVERY sexual encounter should involve consent... What is consent? My definition of consent is to VERBALLY permit someone to continue a sexual act with you. This involves kissing, first base, second base, third base, homerun.... all of the above. Anything that is not consent is assault, and we must understand that if someone does not want to have sex with you, they are not obligated to do so. Listen to them.

Consent is Sexy: You can give consent in a sexy way. Floetry put it in the most sexyist way possible... go listen to the song.

Consent is SOBER: The only way someone can give consent is when they are sober and alert. This is the biggest issue when it comes to rape on campus. 1 in 4 women will be sexually assaulted in college. We must understand the importance of knowing the signs, if you see someone going home with a guy or girl knowing that they are not in a great position to give consent, please intervene. What about drunk sex? Well this is a very iffy issue, especially when it comes to the law, I personally say stay away from it. 

Consent is Verbal: BODY LANGUAGE DOES NOT COUNT. BODY LANGUAGE DOES NOT COUNT. BODY LANGUAGE DOES NOT COUNT. No means no and yes means yes. It’s simple.

For more in depth info: https://www.uhs.uga.edu/consent/

2. CONDOM USAGE

This past weekend the CDC released a statement stating that Sexually Transmitted Infections have an increase of incidence rates in the United States. This means that new cases of Syphilis, Chlamydia, and Gonorrhea are on the rise in the United States. I CANNOT express how important it is to wrap up. Use a condom. We have the resources and access to condoms please take advantage of them. We often overlook these diseases, because they are curable by one-dose antibiotics. But what happens if we don’t cure them? They can have a huge impact on our lives and cause infertility, ectopic pregnancies, brain cancer, pelvic inflammatory disease, an increased chance of contracting HIV, and so many more complications. These diseases can be prevented by using condoms and getting tested. There are many options to choose from... flavored condoms, vibrating condoms, dental dams, female condoms... use them.

Here is the website for STI testing centers near you:

https://gettested.cdc.gov/

3. BIRTH CONTROL

Birth control is normal, it is okay to use it as contraceptive and it’s pretty accessible due to the Affordable Care Act. Like condoms, there are so many birth control methods to choose from. Birth control is available at the health center and some insurance companies pay for you to get birth control that requires a procedure in the doctor’s office. Here is a list of the most used birth control methods and their effectiveness:

4.  THE DOUBLE STANDARD

We must get rid of the double standard. It takes two to have sex and a woman’s decision to be sexually liberated does not differ from a man’s decision to be sexually liberated. It’s not fair to judge someone based off their sexual decisions when you make/have made the same choices. Don’t be a hypocrite. Be open-minded....

Other Sexual/Body Myths debunked

1. Plan B is not an abortion pill, it stops ovulation just like any form of birth control

2. Yes, Soap and anything other than water is bad for your vagina. It changes the PH balance in your vagina and makes you more prone to infections. Wash your vagina with water only.

3. Condoms ruin the sexual experience.... Well, it would be best to have safe sex than no sex. Like I said before there are all types of condoms that can better your sexual experience.

4. Every vagina is different, you cannot tell how many sexual partners someone has had by the way their vagina looks. You. Can’t. And there is no such thing as “having no walls”.

5. Her cherry did not pop, she is really not a virgin.... false. That cherry is the hymen and this hymen can be stretched/broken through yoga, exercising and bicycling. 

6. Birth control does not cause infertility later on in life. The implant and deposhot takes a couple of months for your menstrual cycle to return but other than that it does not hurt your chances of getting pregnant. STI's do though. 

5 Meals for Under $20 or Less: The Ultimate Survival Guide for Broke College Students

I am tired of seeing y'all eat ramen noodles every day when you can make knock off Olive Garden pasta for less. Here is a cheat sheet for five easy meals that can be made while on a budget.

1. Shrimp Alfredo Pasta
Bring Red Lobster to the kitchen!
Ingredients:
Shrimp: Can be found at Publix for $7.99 a pound (if you can't cook, ask them to steam and add seasoning for you) or Walmart frozen bag of raw shrimp for $5.98
Alfredo Sauce: 2 cans for $2 each
Boxed Pasta (shell, bow tie, or rotini): Barilla brand: $2, off brand is cheaper around $1.75

Boil pasta in water for around 10 minutes on high, add olive oil and salt so pasta don't stick together.
If cooking shrimp, can steam using a steamer, add seasoning at discretion (I like using cajun sauce on shrimp). Combine shrimp and pasta and add alfredo sauce. I'm assuming that y'all have seasoning so add that (I like using basil and parsley). Bow!Red Lobster at the crib... If you have a little extra money left over you can make homemade red lobster biscuits for $3 or Pillsburry biscuits for $1.79

Total: $19 (with biscuits)

2. Chicken Fajitas
Taco Bell in the kitchen!
Ingredients:
Chicken tenderloins: frozen pack for $3-$4 a pound
Tortillas: $2.48 for 6 count
Fajita seasoning mix: $0.89 a packet

Cook chicken tenderloins in pan (be sure to clean with vinegar and water, add seasoning (Lawry's.. etc.) add fajita seasoning mix and water in the pan once tenders are cooked (can cut chicken before or after you cook them). Put chicken in tortilla shells (can add sour cream, cheese and shredded lettuce if you want to).

Total: $9, $15 for condiments (cheese, sour cream etc.)

3. Fried Chicken
Popeyes in the kitchen!
Ingredients:
Fried 8 pc chicken (two wings, two legs, two breast, and two thighs) already cooked: Can be found at Publix for $7.99
Stouffers Macaroni: Small tray for $2.64
Frozen Vegetables of choice: $0.99

The easiest meal to make! Steam vegetables by putting water and veggies in pot, heat up stouffers macaroni in stove or microwave and place already cooked chicken on plate. Grab a biscuit from meal #1 and you are eating better than a KFC meal on a Thursday.


Total: $12

4. Spaghetti
Olive Garden who?
Ingredients:
Boxed Spaghetti Pasta: $1.65
Traditional Marinara Sauce: $2
Meat of choice: Ground turkey or beef: $3 a pound or sausage links: $3

Boil boxed Spaghetti pasta in water olive oil and salt, cook ground turkey and beef (please season meat), and add marinara sauce to meat. I like to also add basil or parsley and pepper to my pasta sauce.

Total: $8

*You can also be fancy and add salad on the side (just buy an already made salad bag for $3)

New Total: $11

5. The BEST meal of all time.... Salmon
Red Lobster, Papadeux, and Bahama Breeze ain't touching you in the kitchen!
Salmon: Can get from Publix for $5 a pound
Boxed Mashed Potatoes: $3
Steamed Veggies: $0.99 (broccoli, corn on the cob, peas etc.)

Salmon can be cooked the way you want it,grill or bake it, just make sure you season well and it is cooked well done (we don't want salmonella), see #3 for steamed veggies and can add a biscuit from meal #2.

Total: $10

These meals can be cooked at your preference and all sides and extra ingredients can be substituted. Drinks were not included, because if you are truly pressed about money the only thing you need to be drinking is water. Also, I gave you the healthiest options that I can think of, especially considering the fact that money is tight. Portion food well, cook for the week and not for the day.

Other meals that can be prepared:
Breakfast for dinner (no cereal)
Tuna Melts
Chicken salad
Chicken breast with veggies

Happy eating, and let that ramen go!

Party Etiquette 101: The Don'ts

This post is for those who lack knowledge of how to properly attend and have fun at parties (venue and house) and kickbacks.

1. Please say excuse me when you are walking around, beside, behind, or under someone. We are already in a tight space, I’m already a little angry when you push me out the way… an “Excuse me” will make it just a little better.

2.  When you are trying to put the mack down on ole girl please move to the nearest corner. Don’t stand in the middle of the party trying to ask baby girl her name, age, major, occupation, phone number and bra size. You are taking up unnecessary space, move that elsewhere.

3. If you catch your man or girl throwing it back on someone else and you decide that the party is the right time and place to get in your feelings and begin an argument, please move that outside.. You are ruining everyone else’s vibe.

4. Please stop grabbing women’s behinds!!!! We are not intrigued by it and sexual harassment is not okay.

5. Carry a pack of gum, put it in your wallet.. back pocket or something because no one wants a funky breath in their face talking about some… “You sholl look good tonight ma.”

6. Yes, some parties allow you to smoke inside but please take it outside. We don’t want people having asthma attacks and I definitely don’t want lung cancer from your secondhand smoke.

7. If you are in someone’s house, please do not go in their stuff… leave folks’ cabinets and refrigerators alone. That’s not cool.

8. There are always trash cans around, stop throwing your cups on the ground. The no littering policy applies inside too. Be respectful of people’s homes. They were nice enough to let people who don’t even know their first names in their home, be considerate of their living area.

9. If you are going to a party just to stand there and look stank, please go home. You are a waste of space and no one is looking at you.

10. How you get to a party is how you leave. If you came to the party with ten people in a 1997 Honda, fit those ten people back in that car and go home. Stop leaving people you came with and stop coming with people who are not your friends.

If you are offended by this post, just know if the shoe fits……

 

Remember, we are in college and we are here to have fun. Be safe and happy partying. 

Do Better T.I.

This week, the King of the South and my childhood hero, made a statement on a radio show that women cannot be the president of the United States. Below is the direct quote from him..

"Not to be sexist but, I can’t vote for the leader of the free world to be a woman. Just because, every other position that exists, I think a woman could do well. But the president? It’s kinda like, I just know that women make rash decisions emotionally -- they make very permanent, cemented decisions -- and then later, it’s kind of like it didn’t happen, or they didn’t mean for it to happen. And I sure would hate to just set off a nuke. [Other leaders] will not be able to negotiate the right kinds of foreign policy; the world ain’t ready yet. I think you might be able to the Lochness Monster elected before you could [get a woman]."

T.I... fam... why would you say something like this? You were raised by a single mother, you have a wife who is an entrepreneur, you have daughters! I don't understand why he felt entitiled to make this statement when he is a convicted felon who has no voice in the voting process anyway. It's funny how people have to start off with the.. "Not to be sexist but..", when they are about to make the most sexist comment ever. I am really disappointed by T.I., I thought we were better than this. Your eloquent vocabulary can't hide your ignorance.

Men, I cannot stress how important it is to be a support system to women. If you think that women are beneath you, you will start to raise daughters who think that they can't achieve their greatest dreams. We need to do better as a community.

*update, T.I. apologized for his statement, as all celebrities do when they get backlash from the public*

"My comments about women running for president were unequivocally insensitive and wrong. I sincerely apologize to everyone I offended." - T.I.


"What they say, I'm sexist?"

Steve Harvey Made a Thug Cry

This is the most beautiful video I have ever seen in my life. Tears of joy and sadness rolled down my face as I watched this video because I never had the chance to experience a man to love me the way Steve love his kids. So many years of waiting for my father to hug me and say he's sorry. So many years of wanting my stepfather to acknowledge my existence and take me in as his own. So many years of wanting my grandfather to slide me $20 with a hug just to say, "I'm proud of you". So many years of trying to hide the pain of figuring out how to love myself because I felt unwanted, unloved, and not cared for. So many years of not trusting those who have truly cared about me because of the mistake of one man. I hate for people to see me vulnerable because I want to be strong, I want to be superwoman, I want to be unfazed by my frustrations of feeling broken inside. I cannot stress how important it is to appreciate those who have done right by you so you can forgive those who have done wrong by you. Be prepared to cry when watching this video because this man truly love his kids. Hopefully one day I will be able to give my future kids everything I didn't have.... 

My Response to Raven Hyphen Symone *inserts diacritical mark over e* Comments on The View

Shortened my name in the 8th grade for those who thought that 4 syllabus and 10 letters were too hard to pronounce. Shortened my name, because I didn't want people to stereotype me and judge me as "ghetto". Because of this I feel as if I have betrayed myself and my mother. I feel as if I have conformed. Words cannot express how disgusted I am by Raven-Symone's (an interesting ethnic name) comments... Because of her, children who have no control over what their parents have named them, believe that they have no chance in this world. I want to tell her she's wrong. It's 2015 and it's time to stop judging books by the titles and start reading the stories. My first name is Shantesica and I've had well over 5 jobs, a practicum experience and internship offers in the public health field. I will forever proudly print my 10 lettered name in 14 font on the top of my Resume'. I want little girls with beautiful ethnic names to stand proud, look people like Raven-Symone' in the eyes and proudly say your names... tell them to read it, say it, spell it, sound it out until they get it right. Self-hating black folk aka Raven... it's time to shut up.





link to video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8y3JmJhQa7k

*update*
Raven hyphen symone *inserts diacritical mark* has apologized for her statement

"My comments about discrimination have spun out of control.

I'd like to begin by saying that I was not attacking a specific race, but repeating a name that was said in a viral video which has received over 2 million likes.

I have been denied many jobs because of my skin color, body size, and age. Each time I was rejected, my self esteem was negatively effected, so i empathize with those who feel victimized by what I said. We would hope that when it comes to hiring, our names, physical appearance, sexual orientation, and age would never outweigh our qualifications, but often times, they do, thats the truth and it sucks. But I should not be part of the problem, I should be part of the solution.

As an equal opportunity employer, I have never discriminated against a name....even though I said I would, it's not true. My comment was in poor taste. My lack of empathy towards name discrimination was uncalled for. I would also like to say that on Friday my account was hacked, those are not my words."

- Raven Symone'

How to be a White Feminist

I must speak on this issue because it is important. Sit down, listen and learn. Here we have an example of a white woman, a white feminist doing what white feminist do best.... 1. Discrediting a black woman because her narrative didn't include an "All Actresses matter" position. 2. Playing the victim when black people try to educate you on the issue, or feeling left out because you aren't included (the need to want to be oppressed) 3. Using the "I don't see color" excuse for backing up a claim that you're not racist. 4. Using white privilege as a platform to voice your hateful opinion. Ms. Nancy Lee Grahan is entitled to her own opinion but she was wrong in so many ways. As Viola stated last night the only thing separating women of color from anyone else is opportunity. She was speaking for all the black women who were told they weren't good enough for a position because of their color. She was speaking for all the black women like Regina King, who have been in the industry for 20+ years and havent received the recognition that they deserve. She was speaking for all black women, she was a voice for us. I am just waiting on the day when people (black men too) will let black women have our moment. We don't need black feminism right? We like to play victim right? We don't experience oppression through classism, racism and sexism right? Wrong, because here is a prime example of why us, as black women can't win without someone tearing us down.

Does My Black Hair Offend You?

To whom it may concern,

In 2006 India Arie beautifully sang “I am not my hair, I am not this skin, I am not your expectations. I am not my hair, I am not this skin, I am the soul that lives within”. Hair in the African American woman community is an accessory that complements our beauty. It represents our strength, courage and creativity. From Braids, dread locks, relaxed, texturized, natural hair to weave we use our hairstyles as a form of expression. We defend our hairstyles because it is our culture. We defend our hairstyles because nappy, kinks and bb’s are deemed negative terms. We defend our hairstyles because we are constantly told that locks will hinder us from getting jobs. We defend our hairstyles because “extensions” are classy but weave is equivalent to identity issues. We defend our hairstyles because we are shamed from childhood to adulthood. We defend our hairstyles because we are proud of our black hair. We are tired of being criticized and judged because of the strands that grow from our scalp. We want the world to know that our hair is a representation of our creativity.

My fellow sisters, we must uplift each other because the world is against us. Stop creating a divide between us because of our different styles, colors, and choices. Stop the natural vs. relaxed divide.. Educate one another. We are one.

My fellow brothers, do not run to a specific hair type because of what the media shows you as beautiful. We are all different, from kinky curly to loose curls. Stay out of black women’s hair. This doesn’t mean you can’t massage your girl’s scalp with castor oil or help her with her twist out… this means to keep your hair opinions to yourself.  Why waste your energy on worrying about black women hair relations when there are so many other things in the world that could benefit from your POSITIVE energy? You attract what you put out in the world. As black women, we have the freedom to do whatever we please with our hair. Let us be happy.

White women… no you may not touch our hair. Yes, wishing to have black babies for black hair is offensive. It is okay to appreciate our culture, but ask questions, continue to learn and be open minded. Stop claiming old trends and give black sisters who rocked cornrows and baby hairs in the 90s credit. It is okay to admire our hairstyles, just know your history.

My short hair, dreads, kinky curly hair, sister locks, bantu knots, twist outs, chemically relaxed hair, waves, bonnets, Malaysian weave, mid-back length hair, and head wraps should not offend you.

Support us, don’t abandon us.

Signed,

Ms. Tired, and Fed Up